Now for my feelings...

In the month that I have been here, I have truly learned what it's like to be living on a rollercoaster. I have felt incredibly excited, depressed, frustrated, almost angry, lonely, defeated, incapable, loved, encouraged, enveloped in the loving arms of my Father, free of limits, trapped, fearless, in danger, too young and immature, etc. etc. etc... You name it and I truly might have felt it. Today, I'm at the top. I can see the danger that lies ahead, the 60 seconds with my stomach out of place, the corkscrews, the loops, and the other drops. And I am anxious with excitement. I love the thrill of rides and feeling like I'm falling through the sky...as long as I can trust that it's secure, that at the end I won't fall out of my seat, I won't fall down from the sky and crash. But you see, there's a part of the ride that I can't see. It goes around this curve into the darkness and I have no clue what will happen after that. That is the scariest part. All these thoughts begin running through my head, "How do I know that I will be safe there, too? How do I know that the tracks continue? How do I know that I won't run into a cement wall? I won't be able to prepare myself. Oh crap. How do I get off, I don't want to do this anymore!!!"

Yes, I have felt that. And then, the presence of my Savior overwhelms me. He tells me that it's ok to close my eyes and not know what lies ahead. Sometimes, that's the point you know. How can you say you really trust someone when all you are doing is trusting in the future that you see for yourself. That's not faith in God, that's faith in my ability to prepare myself. That's faith in my ability to plan and organize and adjust my expectations for my future.
No, the Lord tells me to keep my eyes fixed on him, even if it blinds me. That's the point. I must be blinded by faith in Him to truly walk in His ways and to truly stay on the path on which He is leading me. Jesus said this to Peter in John 21, verses 18 and 19:

"Truly, truly I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this, he said to him, "Follow Me."

I don't want to walk where I want to walk any more. I am and have always been a dreamer. I love thinking about what the future will be like, what I'll be doing, how my friendships will grow, having a cute apartment in a cool city, maybe learning to make clothes and be good at it, or to know enough to be able to 'save the world' in the comfort of my own office where I can still live a normal life, and so on. My mind is always coming up with new plans for my future. I make decisions every day based on the way that I feel and what I want to do.

"Oh, I don't feel like working right now, instead I want to watch a movie? Ok, I can't fight my own feelings."

"Oh, I'm too tired to study? Well I don't want to fight sleep."

"I'm too tired to wake up to my alarm clock? Ok, I'll go back to sleep for a while and just wake up whenever my body tells me."

If I am nagging myself to make myself more comfortable or do what I want to do. It doesn't take a lot to give in. And for a long time, I have convinced myself that this way of doing things, of listening to myself and wants and needs, is the right way of making decisions and living my life. *buzzer* WRONG.

So many things have been on my heart lately, especially this past weekend. Psalm 23 for one. "I shall not want...He restores my soul...I will fear no evil...my cup overflows...Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all the days of my life..." Also, in my devotional the other day (thanks Rusty and Jennifer), it said ,

"Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, BUT that is not my way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain (comm dev-ers, this reminds me of Turnbull's path to the home of the Ik). The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My Hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life."

Nearer to Jesus

Sarah Young

I guess all of this to say, I feel a lot of changes coming on and although I'm tempted to look ahead and see what will happen, I'm ok not doing that. I'm finally able to focus on Jesus, as He works in me, shaping me into His vessel to use as He desires AND as He works through me, as I am here, in this place. I'm far away from my family, friends, and all that I've ever know, and yet I feel completely at home because Christ is with me always. He is my comfort and my rock on whom I depend, even to take baby steps into the unknown.

• Please join me in thanking our Savior for providing me for this opportunity to serve and lean wholly on Him. And in thanking Him for all of the doors He has already led me through down here and all of the relationships that He has forged for me.
• Pray that I will begin and continue to put my future into the hands of the Lord, willingly, knowing that it might and probably will make me uncomfortable.
• Pray that He will show me what to do each day and by walking blindly, with eyes fixed on Him, He will bring opportunities to me to do His work here, even if it is not what I have in mind.
• Pray that He would continue to draw me closer to Him, in times of Joy, Affliction, Loneliness, Frustration, everything.
• Pray that He would continue to give me wisdom to make the right decisions and in all my relationships here, knowing what to say and what not to say to someone.
• Praise the great Provider and pray that He will continue to provide all that I need - materially, spiritually, and emotionally.

I love you all more than you know.

Thanks sharing your time and prayers with me,

Claire Victoria